How to Survive MEPS: A brief down-and-dirty of what to expect.

I often get questions about boot camp and surviving the military in general.  Having just gone through the Military Entrance Processing Station (MEPS) a second time, I thought I would post some informative advice while it was still fresh in my head, to help get you through one of the very first steps towards your military career.

1. Don’t lie.  But lie a little.
   Don’t lie about the marijuana you did last week.  It’s going to pop up on your drug test, and then you are just wasting everyone’s time.  If you’re planning on going to MEPS or into the military- just don’t do drugs.  It’s simple, and there is no tolerance.
   
   
2. Lie a little.  They are going to cross-examine you. 
    Them:  “If you took any type of pill in the past month, and you don’t list it on this form, you will be kicked out!”  This does not include the TUMS you took after dinner two weeks ago.  No one cares.   You don’t need to write down TUMS.
    
3. The same rule goes with allergies.  If you have a deathly peanut allergy or have asthma, you need to report this.  If you touched fiber glass, poison ivy, or poison oak and broke out in a rash, congratulations.  You are normal and the military doesn’t care.
    
4. Get over your insecurities.  They are going to watch you pee into a cup for your drug test.  It’s gross.  No one enjoys it- least of all them.  Just follow directions- like every step- and you will be done quickly.  If you do not, you will be there twice as long.
    
5. To piggy back on #4.  They will examine EVERY part of you.  They are just being thorough, and it’s not intended to be a personal violation.  They are professional doctors.  If you can’t handle it, you shouldn’t go into the military.  There are worse things in life.
    
6. Don’t hit on anyone.  MEPS and boot camp are NOT the places to flirt.  You want to be taken seriously and this is not why you should be there.
    
7. Please, for everyone’s sake, wear clean underwear.  You will spend a lot of time in it with others.  Women, for the love of god, don’t wear a thong.    No one wants to see you in a thong doing the duck walk.
    
8. You will have to do the Duck Walk and other awkward coordination checks.  Just listen carefully, and once again follow directions to get done as swiftly as possible.
    
    
9. If you’re going into the Air Force, you’re going to have to valsalva.  Practice this ahead of time, as MEPS should not be the first time you valsalva, nor should boot camp be the first time you attempt to do a push up.
    
10. Make sure you are within the military standards for weight.  This will save you time and embarrassment if you’re not.  Lose weight first, and then sign up.
     
     
11.  Above all, BE RESPECTFUL.  Follow directions, only ask questions if you really need to (there are such things as stupid questions), and just go with the flow.  This will also serve as good advice to get through many of your trainings ahead.  Relax.  You got this.

And the Story Continues Here...

As my memoir has officially been released in paper/hardcover and e-books, I will wrap up this blog with a link to the book behind the blog as well as pictures from the release party.  I cannot thank everyone enough for all of the great support.  Get your copy of the story here: 

 http://amzn.com/1943226083

     I grew up in Deer River, MN - a one-stoplight town of 903 people. Two weeks after I graduated high school way back in the old days (1997) when everything was in black and white, I enlisted in the Navy in a combat aircrew position that had just been opened up to women. At first we were mistaken by tiny hairless men. Quite a few people told me I was crazy and I would be back home before I knew it. Some of the old WWII veterans patted my shoulder, and nodded, wishing me luck. My dad, fearing my safety, begged me not to go. Honestly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into - which probably was best that way. I just knew I didn’t want to fail.

     Spoiler alert - I didn’t go off and become a war hero. I didn’t save the world. I didn’t win the Noble Peace Prize or even receive the perfect attendance award (I was runner-up); however, I did serve my country, met some lifelong friends, flew over 1300 hours in a war-fighting machine, kicked some submarine ass, and learned a few lessons (the hard way). This book is a compilation of short stories and those lessons learned.

     If you are looking for Steinbeck or Dickens, you probably should put this book back on the shelf and keep looking. However, if you are looking for random entertaining stories that begin with conjunctions, contain cheesy metaphors, and improper sentence structure- well this, my friend, may be the book for you. You may laugh. You may cry. You may want to dance on a barstool next time the opportunity arises. I’m not a writer, I’m a story teller. And this is my story.

I will continue keep my site updated at www.juliamaki.com and will be available to answer questions/comments to the best of my abilities here:  capturingthestory@gmail.com

I hope it inspires, informs, and entertains you.  Always remember- there isn't anything you cannot do!  Dreams come true every day.  Who's not to say today is YOUR day?!

I have the most amazing friends!

My Mom

With Anna, my BFF

The VP-8 guys

My old SS-1 "Rugged"

With friend and fellow military blogger, Dog Tags And Heels

And don't forget- I have books for the little readers out there. 

No, not this book.

These ones:

All my best. ~J.

How to Prepare for Boot Camp

Photo @MilitaryMusclesUS 

Some of the most common questions I am routinely asked are, 'Would you recommend going into the military?', or 'Would you do it all over again?'  'Do sailors really drink that much?' And finally, 'How do I prepare for boot camp?' 

My answers are yes, yes and yes... and let me think about that.  Understandably, everyone’s experience is guaranteed to be different and every branch of the military is different.  However, I have compiled a list of tasks below that I believe would benefit anyone considering entering a branch of the service.  I can only wish I would have had this valuable information before I left for Navy Basic Training.  Perhaps it may have made the transition a little easier.

1.      Begin by making your bed (with hospital corners) and cleaning your room everyday to the point in which you would be willing to lick your floor.  Then lick the floor - to make sure you’re not fooling yourself.  When you are finished cleaning, have a good friend run in and destroy it in a very dramatic fashion.  Encourage them to throw your stuff everywhere and scream that it is not clean enough.  Flip the mattress over.  Pull the clothes from the drawers and sprinkle them across the floor - just to drive the point home.  Clean your room again. 

 

2.      On a regular basis, have someone yell two inches from your face with steamy breath.  Do not make eye contact, crack a smile, nor move to wipe any droplets of saliva from your face that may shoot from their mouth at this proximity.

 

3.      Go on a strict diet of overly processed and canned foods at every meal.  As you sit down to eat, set your watch for two minutes.  Shovel as much food into your face as you can for those two minutes straight.  When the time is up, dump the rest in the garbage.  Do not eat again until the next mealtime.

 

4.      March everywhere you go in big flat-soled boots - no matter what the weather.  Run a few miles every day in your boots.  Take this opportunity to really toughen up your arches and make them stand up on their own.

 

5.      Get in the push-up position, but do not lower your body into a push-up.  Encourage your dog to do the push-up with you.  Remain holding there until your dog actually does a push-up with you.  When he does, tell him it’s not good enough and you both must start over.

 

6.      Stop watching all TV, getting on the internet or any social media sites.  Cancel your magazine subscriptions.  Get comfortable with the idea of being isolated, completely cut off from pop culture and giving a care to what the Kardashian’s are doing.

 

7.      Wear the same outfit for nine weeks.  Wash in-between wears, of course.  You are not a damn caveman.

 

8.      Set the timer for two minutes for each shower.  Buy a shampoo/conditioner mix to use as your hair shampoo, conditioner, body soap, and face soap.  Squirt it into hands and lather entire body.  Rinse, and get out.

 

9.      Sleep on top of your covers, thinking of blankets as more of accessories than necessities.  This will save time in the mornings getting ready.  It is also encouraged to sleep fully dressed.

 

10.  Eat so much chocolate and smoke so many cigarettes that you throw up and never want to look at another one again - because you won’t.

 

11.  Buy a box of safety pins.  Sprinkle them all over a sandbox.  Retrieve every single one of them.  Repeat.  Get over your fear of work - especially tedious, monotonous, and boring work.

 

12.   Start journaling, praying, or learning to be okay alone - because you may be quite lonely at times and it helps to be comfortable in your own company. 

 

13.  Finally, look at a calendar.  See how small nine weeks really is in relation to the whole year.  Now think of how small nine weeks is in relation to your entire life thus far, and how microscopic it will be in your future.  Nine weeks is miniscule in the whole big picture of our life.  The days are long, but the weeks fly by. 

 

Remember that you got this and it will be worth it all in the end.  I promise.

 

 

What NOT To Do Before you Join the Navy.

*The following advice column may contain slightly explicit language and/or suggestive indications of naughty words.  I apologize in advance- but it is nearly impossible to tell G-rated boot camp stories.  Please do not read if easily offended.  But come back and read next week's post.  It'll be cleaner, I'm sure.

In the past month or so, many brilliant (and possibly not-so-brilliant) young men and women have graduated high school.  Right now they are probably enjoying their lackadaisical summers, sipping lemonade and tanning by the pool.  When autumn arrives, however; they will embark on a journey into a world full of opportunities.  Many will go to college.  Some may go right to work.  A few will just sleep a lot on their parent’s couch.  And the remainder may think it would be a good idea to join one of the branches of the military.

Though I cannot speak for all branches- I will say joining the Navy was a decision I do not regret.  Although, there are many things I wish I could go back and tell myself during those crazy beginning months.  Mainly:  You will survive. 

And of course there are many lessons I've learned along the way by watching others learn the hard way.  Being the nice person that I am- I would like to take this opportunity to pass on some of these important lessons for others that follow. 

Below are 4 major lessons of what NOT to do before you join the Navy:


1.  Do not go and smoke a “doobie” [as we used to call it in Bena] at your going away party the night before you leave for boot camp.  You will get a drug test upon arrival and get kicked out dishonorably.  You will be unable to get a job anywhere- even McDonald's.  They even said so.  I guess the Navy owns McDonalds.

2.  Do not get pregnant the night before you leave for boot camp.  This will be hard to hide in the upcoming weeks.  Pregnancy tests are part of your entry exam.  This is one test you want to do NEGATIVE-ly on.

[Though this lesson pertains to women - I’d strongly recommend guys are cautious in this matter as well.  Boot Camp is the last place you want baby-mama drama following you.]

3.  Do not join the Navy if you cannot do a single push-up.  You will pay.  We all will pay.  You will pay for making others pay.

4.  And for the love of all that is right and holy, please do NOT join the Navy if you cannot swim.  (Think:  Navy= ships.  Ships float on w-a-t-e-r.)

Sounds legit, right?  However, one would be surprised how many people lie about their inability to swim.  This is not the same as covering up the fact that you love disco.  You can hide Afro wigs and bell bottoms in your drawers.  You cannot hide the fact that you float like a cinder block.

If you do make the choice to join the Navy and you suddenly remember on swim day that you cannot swim, the best thing to do would be to own up to it. [you argue with me for a minute here]  Shhh.  Just do it.

How do you do that, you may ask.  First, you must tell your RDC (Recruit Division Commander- aka Drill Instructor).  If you choose not to, they are going to figure it out when you sink like a granite rock to the bottom of the pool.  You will save yourself lots of time- and choking- if you fess up early-on. 

Your conversation may go something like this:

“Petty Officer so-and-so,” you say.

“WHAT IS IT RECRUIT?”  (That is what they will call you.)

“Um, there’s something I need to… um, tell you,” you begin.

“DAMMIT WHAT IS IT RECRUIT I DON’T HAVE ALL DAY SPIT IT OUT!”

You get nervous now, because of all of the yelling.  Your palms begin to sweat.  You forget what you were going to say.  “I, ah,” you stumble, buying time until you remember.  You swallow, but it feels like you have a cherry stuck in your throat.  Not the little maraschino ones- the big black cherries.

After what seems like 50 minutes and 10 seconds, you manage to pull it together.  “Sir, I just thought you should know-"

“GODDAMMIT RECRUIT I WORK FOR A LIVING DON’T CALL ME SIR,” the RDC interrupts.

And you lost your thoughts again.  Nervous pause.  Thinking.  RDC waiting.  Everyone looking with pleading eyes as if they are saying, “What are you doing? Don’t anger him!  We’ll all pay.  Again.” 

“Petty officer, it’s just that I don’t think I can really technically swim,” you just blurt out at last- relieved to be done talking for the moment.

The RDC pauses, looking you up and down as if you’ve grown a third leg.  He studies your face.  You begin to think he is thinking about how sorry he is for you.  Perhaps compassionate, even.  Then he takes a deep breath and begins.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT DO YOU NOT REALIZE THIS IS THE NAVY WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU JOIN THE NAVY IF YOU CAN’T SWIM DON’T YOU REALIZE THAT NAVY EQUALS SHIPS AND SHIPS LIVE IN THE WATER WHAT THE HELL DID YOUR MAMA SIGN YOU UP FOR DID SHE HAVE TO [censored] THE RECRUITER TO GET YOU INTO THE NAVY YOU’RE ABOUT AS USELESS AS NIPPLES ON A BULL WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING SON GO GET BACK IN LINE RIGHT NOW AND YOU WILL WAIT UNTIL EVERYONE IS DONE TAKING THEIR TEST LIKE A SHRIVELED UP PRUNE IN THE WATER AND THEN YOU WILL GO WITH PETTY OFFICER SO-AND-SO SO HE CAN TAKE YOUR HAND AND TEACH YOU HOW TO SWIM LIKE A LITTLE GIRL SO I DON’T HAVE TO STARE AT YOUR PUNY [censored] RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME AND HE WILL TEACH YOU TO DO ALL THE THINGS YOUR MAMA NEVER TAUGHT YOU DO YOU UNDERSTAND RECRUIT NOW GET THE [censored] OUT OF MY FACE.”

And then they will teach you how to swim. See how helpful they can be?